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Government Spending

Northern Neck Realtor Rants

I was on the beach today and noticed this pelican. Sorry the picture is so bad but I was trying to get close and wanted to catch what was on the bottom of his leg.

pelicanLook real good at the bottom of the picture. Is that a band on his leg?

Now I know pigeons sometimes have bands. But they are homing pigeons and it is done by individuals that race them.

Well I’ve never heard of a “Homing Pelican” so I’m assuming that this bird has been tagged by some governmental agency for some type of Study!!

Come on is this another study like the $175,587 ”to determine if cocaine makes Japanese quail engage in sexually risky behavior”.

Or maybe like $19 million “to examine methane gas emissions from cows”. The farmers really came ahead with ethanol. How methane gas emissions from cows. Did the study determine if a cow could fart with enough pressure to fill a propane tank.

They’ve wasted money on:

  • $1.2 million to study the breeding habits of the woodchuck.
  • $1 million to study why people don’t ride bikes to work.
  • $144,000 to see if pigeons follow human economic laws.
  • $160,000 to study if you can hex an opponent by drawing an X on his chest.
  • $100,000 to study how to avoid falling spacecraft.
  • $57,000 spent by the Executive Branch for gold-embossed playing cards on Air Force Two.

Air Force Two! Isn’t that Biden’s ride. I thought the only game that idiot could play was 52 card pickup. He needs gold-embossed cards for that! Give me a break.

Or what about the $1 million to preserve a sewer in Trenton, NJ, as a historic monument. Historic Monument! Now that is some bull***t.

Well if they are doing a study on pelicans then we have them in the Northern Neck. Send half that money to me because I can tell you that they live around the water and eat fish.

See I’m not as dumb as you thought and I’m not a bad realtor either

Decmember in the Northern Neck

Here we are in the final days of the year. So what is it like in the Northern Neck? It has slowed down even more but life is still good.
We like everybody are preparing for the holidays and part of that preparation is getting ready for the parades. We love parades!
Every town has one. A lot of the waterfront towns have boat parades. Some have a parade of homes but most are a precession of floats that start at one end of town and go to the other.
As in most parades the Grand Marshall leads and in the Northern Neck either the scouts or the fire trucks follow. Please Lord don’t let us have a fire when there is a parade. If the parade is in Kilmarnock there will be fire trucks from Montross and vice versa.
The local schools will have their marching bands. Each branch of the Armed Forces will be presented. All of the civic clubs will either march or have a float. The businesses will participate. Notice I said businesses and not merchants. You see here in the Northern Neck all join in whether it is the local jeweler or a Septic System Company. I mean whoever heard of giving someone a septic tank for Christmas.

Bubba and his Reindeer

In most cases there is no entry fee. Other than it being Christmas and the Holiday season there isn’t any theme. Anybody can be in it from the most scholarly to one of my many redneck friends.
What do you do with all of those deer heads?
You put them in the parade.
Break out the Ditch Witch, build a sled as the cover and hang your trophy mounts from the blade.
We rednecks are not politically protected and we kind of enjoy that. Life is too short not to have fun. Besides we are way to ingenious not to share our creativity.
If you would like to be in next year’s Christmas parade then keep searching the Northern Neck MLS and when you find that dream home give us a call. We’d love to have you.


Northern Neck Real Estate

Northern Neck Real Estate

I can’t believe it. I mean I have heard you are nothing but a number. But come on, have I become just an image?

And the worst thing is that the image looks like something you use to see in an old movie. You remember those movies where the guy was with a shrink looking at ink spots.

Tell me what it is that you see. I should be careful saying that. I’ve got some sick friends out there.

Contact info

Still confused then ask for phone what it is. If your phone figures it out and you like what your phone sees then

Go Figure

A couple of months ago I took Ryder to the barber shop for his first hair cut. We sat in the shop talked with the men that were in there and watched the people ahead of us get their hair cut.
Since he does so many things with me and is around adults so much I just knew he was going to get in the chair, sit like a man, and let Lester cut is hair. Boy was I wrong. You would have thought someone was butchering him.

The other day I found this toy bulldozer that the other grandchildren had played with so I thought it would be something that he would enjoy. I mean after all he would stand in the middle of the road to watch the trucks go by. Every time a tractor trailer goes by he says “big truck, voom voom” like he is revving the engine.

Anyway I went out in the shop and cut a couple of pieces of very thin plywood and brought them in the house. I took the plywood and Ryder and I made a ramp using his blocks for the elevation. Then we started stacking the blocks on the ramp. I took the bulldozer and put it in front of the ramp and pushed the button take makes it go forward. When I did that Ryder took off for the sofa. I couldn’t get him to get off the sofa as long as the bulldozer was on the floor. It was fine for me to play with it, stack blocks, and let the bulldozed knock them down. He wound even cheer and say more but he wouldn’t have anything to do with it.  I guess he thought it would hit him.

Just when you think you know everything about him he throws you a curve. He’ll climb a ladder. I don’t care how high it is or stick his hand in a basket of crabs and pick them up but with the bulldozer I had to wait for his mama to come over. She sat on the floor with him in her lap and they played with it and to think I thought we could make it fine without her. Again I was wrong.

Caught on Camera

A few days ago Ryder and I went into Food Lion. I never put him in the cart and push him through the store. Instead I just yet him follow.

Well I turned around and look and he has taken this big bite out of an apple. I figure he is probably hungry and eating an apple is an okay snack so I pick up another apple and put it in the cart. That way when I get to the register I can give the attendant the apple and ask to be charged for 2.

Yesterday we go back to Food Lion and again I turn around and this time he is eating a peach. Again I figure not a bad snack but I didn’t pick up another peach.

I went about shopping with Ryder following eating his peach and when I’m through I go back to the produce department and while I’m trying to find the peaches I run into someone and we start talking.

After we finish talking I said I have to find the peaches because Ryder ate one  and the lady I was talking to says I think he was eating a tomato. I turn around and look and there he is with tomato juice running down his chin.

I grab a peach then go to get a tomato and in the tomato display I find the remains of a peach and also another tomato that he has eaten 3/4’s of.

I’ve eaten something in the store before too. You know. Pick up a bunch of grapes and taste one but not a produce department.

A Man and His Dog

I had a couple of dogs as I was growing up. There was Jake and Butch. I’ve got memories and stories about both of them.

I’ve had several dogs as an adult and their names were Sam. I don’t know why but then I’ve had several wives and they all had the same name too, Plaintiff.

Sam like every Sam was a retriever and he retrieved. Every stick he could find he bought back in the yard. He even bought back tree limbs.

Sam really had a way of angering my wife, Plaintiff. After she would hang clothes on the line he would bring them back to the kitchen door still wet.

It had to have been during oyster season because the corn had been cut and I was drinking Jack Daniels. To my relief I was the first one home that day.

I went inside and started a pot of coffee. When Plaintiff got home I could tell by her look that she expected something. Since I was sitting down watching the news and drinking a cup of coffee she let go of her suspicions and started dinner.

As dinner was cooking she came in a watched the TV with me. While we were sitting there I started thinking about that bottle of Jack Daniels out in the truck. When she checked on dinner I sneaked out the door, got that bottle of Jack Daniels, came back in the house and put it in the wastebasket beside my chair.

Plaintiff came back in the room and didn’t suspect anything. Every time she would get up to check on dinner I would take a drink of that Jack Daniels. One time she even bought me back a cup another cup of coffee. Well after a while that bottle was empty and now I’m thinking what am I going to do with this bottle. I can’t leave it in the wastebasket because she’ll see it when she empties it and I’ll be caught.

Well the next time Plaintiff left the room I got that Jack Daniels bottle and went to the door. I wrapped my hand around the neck of that bottle, slide the door back, and heaved that bottle just as hard as I could out in the cutover cornfield.

Plaintiff came back in and sat down. Everything was cool and I knew I was home free and clear until I look out the door and there stands Sam with a Jack Daniels bottle in his mouth.


Sam, the Cat, and My Steak

My computer guru sends me an email the other day and tells me I haven’t posted anything on this blog.
I don’t ever have trouble talking but now this has put pressure on me and I don’t know what to talk about.  I know this is a real estate blog so I should probably write about real estate but then I think people like to hear stories about Sam and Plaintiff.
What I really like to talk about is fishing but I haven’t had that much time because there really is a lot of interest in Northern Neck real estate.  I have had time to slip off a few times this year and I’ve had some decent catches including 2 cobia.
I don’t think I’ve told you all about the time Plaintiff bought my youngest son Gordon a cat for his birthday.
Gordon was young, somewhere between 6 and 8 years old and he gets this cat for his birthday. Well I’m not a cat person after all I’ve got Sam. I don’t allow Sam in the house so I don’t see why this cat should be allowed in the house either.
Gordon goes outside to play with his cat and guess what happens.  You’ve got it.  Sam spots the cat and charges Gordon and the cat.  The cat runs up on the roof.  I don’t know how he got up there but he did and wasn’t coming down as long as he could see Sam.
This became routine.  Gordon would go to play with his cat, Sam would charge them, and the cat would run up on the roof.  This really didn’t bother me, like I said I’m not a cat person but it really drove Plaintiff crazy and this meant I was going to have to do something about Sam.
The next time I saw Sam charge Gordon and the cat I went and got a ladder and rope.  I tied the rope around Sam, climbed the ladder and pulled Sam up on the roof. It was kinda funny.  Here’s ole Sam up on the roof scared to death in the cat is walking around him like he’s almost daring Sam to chase him.
Well I come on down off the roof and leave Sam up there thinking I’m gonna teach him a lesson.
Usually nobody dropped by in the afternoons but this day darned if three people didn’t come by and one of them was the preacher.  All three asked, “What’s the dog doing on the roof?” I told them but I don’t think any of them understood the perfectly sound logic behind my actions.  I mean there were Gordon and the cat playing in the yard.
It was getting close to dinnertime and I started the grill.  When the coals got just right I threw a steak on.  After I turned the steak I went inside to tell Plaintiff and the children dinner was almost ready.  No sooner than this had gotten out of my mouth I hear this loud crash.  Sam decided he was coming off the roof and jumps right on the grill smashing it to the ground.  When I get outside I see Sam running off with my steak.
Sam and I continue to teach each other.  I never put him on the roof again and he never chased the cat again.

Mama, May I be Excused

I don’t remember this but I have been told that when I was a little boy I had this Howdy Dowdy puppet. Do you remember Howdy Dowdy, Buffalo Bob, Clarabell, and the Peanut Gallery?
Anyway I was told that when I would come to the supper table that I always bought Howdy. My parents didn’t seem to mind because it looked like Howdy inspired me to eat all that was put before me.
After several weeks of Howdy joining us for supper my parents noticed that Howdy had this awful smell. As it turned out I was shoving all the things that I didn’t like down Howdy.
Like I said I don’t remember any of it but I do remember this. When food was left on the plate and I would ask to be excused my mother would tell me about all the starving kids in this world and make me eat everything.
I seem to have carried that into adult life.
I no longer do the physical work that I did when I worked as a commercial waterman.
I don’t burn the calories off as easily as I use too but I can’t seem to leave the table if there is even the tiniest of morsels left.
Does anyone know of a good shrink or maybe a hypnotist? I’ve got to get past this feeling that I’m responsible for world hunger if I leave some brussel spouts on my plate.

You Ain’t Going to Believe This!

This is a true story it happened a couple of years ago.

It had been a long day of fishing. I ran across the river and caught my 2 rockfish early in the morning and then came back and fished in close on the Virginia side for spot. I caught so many that my hands and wrist ached, so when I got close to the gas dock at Lewisetta I figured I would rather pay the extra price for gas then tote it in 5-gallon cans to the boat.

As I approached the gas dock I noticed a man standing out there and as soon as I docked he asked, “Are you real busy?”
Well my natural instinct was to tell him yes and I couldn’t spare a minute but I noticed he had a map in his hand. Now I’m thinking this guy is probably looking for real estate so what do I do but say, “No man how can I help you?” You already know that I have made a big mistake, don’t you?

Well the guy says, “When Daddy died his ashes were spread right out there not too far from here.” So now I’m thinking this guy wants me to take him out there where his father’s ashes were put over. The guy gives me the lat/long and I punch then into the GPS and it is over 3 miles out in the river and the wind has switched directions and is coming out of the east pretty good and it is getting choppy out there. The guy goes on talking and says, “Now Mama has died and I would like to put her ashes there his were put over.”

Well after I tell this guy that I’m not busy at all it is pretty hard to change stories so I tell him that I’ll help him and to get in the boat. He tells me he would like for his wife to go too. I tell him that’s okay and to get her. He hollers up to the shore, “Come on Honey”. Well Honey gets up and she is on crutches and starts her way down the dock. I don’t know if you have seen the dock at Lewisetta but it is about 10’ off the water. I mean it is high up there!

You know I was a waterman long before I became a realtor and in my heart I am still a waterman so my boat is set up like a waterman’s. It is nothing comfortable about it. There is no windshield, if there aren’t any coolers in the boat you either stand or sit on the washboards. It is set up for one purpose and one purpose only and that is to get out in the river and get the job done, and then get back home.

Anyway we get Honey in the boat and the 2 of them sit on coolers and we head out in the river. Like I said it was getting pretty choppy out there and the speed could be adjusted so the bow was up, the boat wasn’t beating, and the ride was dry. Being in an open boat the waves always look bigger so I noticed some white knuckles holding on to the cooler.

I could look at the GPS and see we were getting close and I pass the word on that we are almost there. We come right up on the lat/long numbers I was given so I turn the boat right into the wind and announce that we are right on the spot.

I kinda thought the guy would say a prayer and lean over the side and spread the ashes but instead he jumps up and starts empting them. Remember how I said I put the boat right in the wind? Well guess where the ashes went? You got it. I was covered. I did get the boat turned pretty quickly so most did go in the water but a lot were on ole Ken.

Remember that song that said
· You don’t sword fight with Zorro
· You don’t spit in the wind
· And you don’t mess around with Jim

Lets change that
· You don’t get into an open boat if you are fearful of the water
· You don’t dump your ashes into the wind
· And you don’t call Ken – UNLESS OF COURSE you are looking for real estate and in that case I can’t wait to hear from you.

Disclaimer Ken Smith is a Licensed Realtor Commonwealth of Virginia

Ken Smith 804-366-2325